Suffocating Guilt
by hellomynameisv
Summary: One-shot. Blake's thoughts as she washes away Reid's blood. Spoilers for the season 9 finale.


She watched as the red-tinted water swirled down the drain and as the sticky blood disappeared from her shaking, trembling hands. Then, she took more soap and washed her hands a second time for good measure. Physically, the blood wasn't there anymore, but it was still present, as clear as day, in her mind.

_Stupid_, she reprimanded herself. She shouldn't have put her guard down when helping the sheriff. He had needed help, but she shouldn't have put herself in plain sight. She had made herself an easy target. Now, Reid was on an operating table, fighting for his life, because of her mistake.

She looked at herself in the mirror, catching a stray tear flow down her cheek. _Damn it_, she thought, wiping it away. She was supposed to compartmentalize better than this. That was one of the skills she took great pride in. She's always been able to do that, but now she couldn't seem to separate the case from her guilt, from Reid's blood on her hands, from his almost lifeless body.

Maybe, maybe she wasn't fit for this job anymore. Maybe she really should've chosen full-time teaching. _No, stop thinking about that_, she chided herself. After the case, after the case was when they were supposed to break down and drown in their tears, but today, she couldn't seem to escape the guilt wrapping itself around her neck.

She knew Reid wouldn't blame her, he wouldn't do that. He'd say something like it was his decision, or she's his friend and he'd do that again in a heartbeat. What kind of a friend was she, letting him take a bullet for her? He was selfless, she had to give him that, and too kind. Way too kind.

\--

_"You sure are eating a lot today!" She said, ruffling the young boy's hair. Ethan smiled, looking at his mom with the loving gaze she so adored._

_He had just come home from school, claiming he was starving, so she had quickly fixed him a grilled cheese sandwich. She wondered why he was eating so much, though. Maybe he was growing?_

_"Did you even eat lunch today?" She teased, chuckling as he finished the entire sandwich in record time._

_He looked at her, with a frown and a guilty look in his eyes._

_"You didn't?" She asked, concern lacing her voice as she dragged a chair over and sat down next to him. "Why not?"_

_"Some bullies beat up a kid and took his lunch money, so I gave him mine," he mumbled, looking down at his hands._

_"That's such a kind thing to do, baby, but why are you ashamed about it?"_

_"I thought I made you sad, Mommy."_

_She sighed. "Well, I was at first, but when you told me what you did, I wasn't sad anymore."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yeah, really. You should still take care of yourself, though," she added, poking his nose._

_"But, I didn't take care of myself. Does that mean I'm too nice?" He asked with that childish innocence she found adorable._

_"Aw, no! No, baby." She chuckled. "There's no such thing as being too nice. If anything, we need more nice people like you in the world."_

_They shared a hug after that._

_"I love you, Mommy."_

_"Love you too."_

\--

She sighed in frustration. _Selfish_, she thought. _So selfish. _She was supposed to be out there, right now, helping the team solve the case. But the only thing she seemed capable of at the moment was moping around in the bathroom, wallowing in her guilt.

They were probably making some damn good progress right now without her. _Maybe they really don't need me, maybe I could resign and they wouldn't care._

She closed her eyes, pushing the thought aside. That proved to be a mistake as the memory of Reid's blood was pushed to the forefront of her mind.

Reid's blood, pulsing out of the hole in his neck. Reid's blood, a puddle on the ground where he lay until Morgan dragged him away, out of the line of fire. Reid's blood, coating her hands as she put pressure on the wound, pleading for him to stay conscious. Reid's blood, soaking through the guaze the medics had wrapped around his neck. Reid's blood, lying on an operating table in the very building she was in, under and on his lifeless body as they called out his time of death.

No. She couldn't think like that. She had to think of something else, anything else. Reid's blood, circulating through his body, bringing oxygen and carbon dioxide to where they needed to go. JJ's blood, collecting in a bag so they could bring it to Reid and help him live.

Reid's blood, blood that's supposed to stay in the body. Blood that would have done just that if a bullet hadn't ripped through his flesh. She sighed, finally opening her eyes to see the heavy, burdened look on her face. A bullet seems so inconsequential, so miniscule, until it is shot from a gun and into another person.

_Huh_, she thought. They've been doing just that the entire time. Every case, every new unsub they meet, usually involves the discharge of at least one of their guns. This is what they've been doing.

She knew she couldn't return to this job, not after this. She would resign after this case, though, after the threat was over. She couldn't afford anymore mistakes that put her teammates in danger.

She looked down. The faucet had been running the entire time. _Oops_, she thought. She turned it off with both hands, looked herself in the mirror one last time, attempting to return her face to that of a profiler, and left the room.


End file.
